All The Possibilities
by Guardian Angel
Summary: An alternate ending for "Blah Blah, Woof Woof." Max reflects on her life thus far. Not really a romance, just lots of angst. (It should actually work this time)


All The Possibilities

By Guardian Angel ([eyes_only1@yahoo.com][1])

**Setting:** An alternate ending to "Blah Blah, Woof Woof."Contains a few spoilers, but since it's an alternate ending, nothing major.Max reflects on what might have been, and what still could be.

**Rating:** R

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'em…I simply enjoy taking them out to play with once in awhile.

**Dedication:** To Rachel, who sparked my need for angst-filled fic with her latest story, "The Ice Palace," and to Mandy, who manages to keep me focused and encouraged.Thanks girls, you're the best!Finally, to Jason, for giving me all of these emotions to deal with and no outlet other than fanfic for them, and for being the best friend I could ever ask for.

*******

"I'm not the sort of person,

Who falls,

In and quickly out of love,

But to you I gave my affection,

Right from the start."

Joan Armatrading, "The Weakness in Me"

******

"Just go."_The last words he ever spoke to me.Even now, five years later, I can still remember to look on his face as he said them, the way his hand curled into my hair, the gaze of his brilliantly blue eyes on mine.The taste of him still on my lips._

_ _

_One last, long study of his face, and then I walked away, never to look back._

_ _

Well, that's not entirely true.Every now and then I pull my memories of Logan out of the little box I've stored them in, and remember.

_ _

_He was the best friend I've ever had, exactly what I needed at that point in my life.He let me know what it feels like to belong, to know that when the shit hits the fan, I had a friend to turn to, someone I could trust._

_ _

_He let me know that I wasn't unlovable.Oh, he never said he loved me in so many words, but still.Looking back, I know he did, at least in a way.It was there in his eyes sometimes when he'd look at me, in his voice every once in a great while when he forgot to monitor what he was saying, or how he was saying it.At the time I knew he cared, but it took me a long time to realize exactly how much._

_ _

_Looking back, I also know that I loved him.I remember the way my breath would catch sometimes when I saw him, the warm feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes when he smiled at me.The concern for his health I tried so desperately to hide._

_ _

_As a child, bred and raised through my most formative years at Manticore, I used to wonder about the strange emotion called 'love.'What was it; what did it feel like; why were people so desperate to have it?As a teenager, left to fend for myself in the world, I used to dream about what it would be like, to have a family or friends to love me._

_ _

_Yet I never knew what love really was until I met a man named Logan Cale.Even then, I had to lose him before I realized what exactly it was I had._

_ _

_I guess that's why they say hindsight is perfect, huh?_

_ _

_After leaving him, I spent almost a year on the lamb with Zach. He knew I was hurting from leaving Logan behind; he gave me ample time to heal, to move on.Or at least what he thought was ample time.It didn't take me long to realize he wanted more from me, he didn't think of me as his little sister.Unfortunately I couldn't give it to him.He was, and always will be, my big brother, at least in my mind._

_ _

_Still, even with that between us, we managed OK for a while.It was just one of those things we both knew about, but never actually talked about.We traveled through most of Canada, before finally hopping a flight to Europe.We spent a month or so in France, then wandered over to Germany for another month.Even with the language difficulties we were fine; our training at Manticore had covered the rudiments of both German and French, as well as Spanish, and enough people in those countries spoke English, so we were good._

_ _

_It was even fun a lot of the time, seeing new sights, experiencing different cultures and lifestyles.Zach was paranoid for a while, worried about being caught, but by the time we reached Germany he had loosened up a great deal, and we had a blast.One of my favorite memories of those months is of Zach, utterly shit-faced in a small German pub, singing bar songs in a mixture of English and German.Of course, his accent was deplorable, especially when drunk, and before long he had the natives rolling around on the floor, they were laughing so hard.I finally dragged him back to our hotel, with him still singing and yelling out for another beer.He woke up the next morning with a hangover the size of Texas.It was amusing to see my tough brother, always so manly and in control, whining like a baby because his head hurt.I took pity on him, of course, and pampered him.That was the first, and the only, time he got drunk.At least to my knowledge._

_ _

_Unfortunately things went rapidly downhill from there.About a month later I came into heat again.The other two times this had happened while I was with Zach, he had carefully kept his distance until it passed, as if fearing what might happen.I always appreciated the fact that he didn't try to take advantage of the situation, with the way he felt about me.But this time it was different.I guess he decided he'd waited long enough, that I'd had long enough to get over Logan, to accept that he was gone.So this time he pressed.I almost let it happen, too._

_ _

_Luckily I caught myself just in time. There I was, tangled on the bed with my brother, for Christ's sake, our clothes on the floor.The only thing that separated us from the feel of flesh against flesh was the tiny scrap of silk I called panties, and his boxer shorts.Our hands were everywhere; our mouths were everywhere.And it felt so fucking good I almost let it happen.It wasn't until we tumbled off the bed, lost in our frenzy, that reality struck, and I shoved him away._

_ _

_Needless to say, that was the end of Zach and me.Used to be on the move, it only took a few minutes for me to shove my stuff into a bag and go.My last memory from our time together is of him standing in the window of our room, still wearing nothing but his damn boxer shorts, watching me go.I've tried to block out the harsh words that were spoken between us before I left, that's not the memory I want of him.No matter how badly things turned out, he will always be a large part of my life._

_ _

_After all, he was the one who led me to Logan._

_ _

_Oh, not directly.It's not like he said to me, "Here Max, go talk to this guy, he's perfect for you."Still, it was because of him, and the burning need I felt to find my other sibs, that I began my relationship with Logan.If I hadn't thought he could help me I probably would have walked away that fateful night, never to look back._

_ _

_How sick is that?_

_ _

_I wonder if Zach ever came to that realization.Or if Logan did.I never really understood why they disliked each other so much until after all this happened; I just assumed it was some weird testosterone thing.After all, hormones can cause some crazy shit._

_ _

_So I've been on my own these past four years.I hung out in Europe for a while, and then decided to visit Ireland, before coming back to Canada last year._

_ _

_For the past three months I've been chillin' here in New Westminster, a stone's throw away from the U.S. border._

_ _

_Seattle's just a stone's throw away from the border on the U.S. side.Of course I try not to think of that.After all, I can't go back.Right?_

_ _

_But something's pulling me in that direction.I find myself thinking of Seattle, and the time I spent there, with Logan, even with Original Cindy and Kendra, more and more often.I daydream about swinging through the city someday, dropping by Jam Pony to hassle Normal and say hi to Cindy, to Sketchy and Herbal.To stop at my old apartment and see if Kendra's still there._

_ _

_To scare the shit out of Logan by simply walking into his penthouse, like I used to do so often, and convince him to cook me dinner.To curl up by the fire afterwards, just talking with him.Reliving the memories, so to speak.Of course, it's all just a fantasy._

_ _

_Or is it?Because suddenly here I am.Sitting on top of the Space Needle again, like I always used to do when I needed to think.How did I get here?I honestly have no idea, the past few days are all a blur.It's like I suddenly woke up to find out that the past five years have been nothing but a dream, that I never left._

_ _

_I can't resist any longer.Nimbly I climb down from the Space Needle and start walking.I don't even have to think about where I'm going or how to get there, my feet know exactly where to take me.Look, here's the corner deli where he always buys fresh sandwich meats and bread.Over there, across the street, I can see the Laundromat where he washes his clothes.Or at least he did, I wonder if he still goes there.Everything's dark, it's after ten and the streets are almost completely deserted._

_ _

_Finally here I am.I look up at the familiar building, it's like coming home to an old friend.So many memories are contained within.I can still pick out exactly which window is Logan's._

_ _

_After a few moments of reflection I start to climb.It's not a difficult task, merely a little time consuming.Soon reach the top floor, where his penthouse is located, and work my way over to a window.I perch on the narrow ledge that runs around the entire building, staying close enough to the wall that if anyone looks out the window I can duck out of sight._

_ _

_Taking a deep breath to compose myself, I eventually work up the nerve to look in…_

_ _

_…and there he is.Sitting at his computer, just like I remembered.Like I never left.The rush of emotion I feel at this point stuns me, my vision becomes slightly hazy with unshed tears.It isn't until my eyes clear up after a few moments that I notice that he's not alone in the room anymore._

_ _

_Now there's a woman.I can't help but notice that she's beautiful.She goes up to him, placing her hand on his shoulder.He looks up at her from the computer screen, a smile on his face.He laughs at something she says._

_ _

_Suddenly a little boy of about four years darts into the room, running straight to Logan, and jumping up into his lap.I can't help but notice that the child has his smile, his gorgeous eyes.Both Logan and the woman laugh at the boy's antics.After a few moments of conversation between the three, the woman leaves.Logan talks with the boy for a minute longer, and then scoops him up into his arms.He stands up, taking the boy with him, and walks out of the room._

_ _

_I sit there, completely numb for who knows how long.Finally I rouse myself and climb down.I'm doing good, I've managed to hold back the tears.I can't afford the luxury of crying right now, I'd end up falling and killing myself.Actually, the idea doesn't seem quite as bad as it used to.That's not who I am, though, not something I could do._

_ _

_When I reach the ground I walk silently away._

_ _

_After all, I should have known he wouldn't wait for me.Why would he?When we said goodbye on that fateful afternoon five years ago, we both knew it was forever._

_ _

_So I walk away, unshed tears blurring my vision._

*****

After tucking Jason and Scott into bed, Logan returned to his computer room.He always got such a kick out of his nephews; they were both tireless balls of energy.

Earlier, when he had been talking with Jessica, he kept getting the feeling that someone was watching.Now, about twenty minutes later, he stood at the window, looking out.No one was there.

Big surprise, buddy.What'd you expect, that she would just suddenly show up?Wishful thinking, you know better.She's probably halfway around the world, cuddled up to Zach.

_ _

Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that she *had* been there, no matter what he told himself.So he stood there, looking out the window, for a long time.

He was so lost in thought that he was totally startled when Jessica entered the room.She came over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist from behind and resting her head on his back, rousing him from his reverie.

"Logan, you OK?You really should be heading to bed, you know the boys are going to have us both up at the crack of dawn tomorrow."

"Yeah, I know.I'll go to bed in a few minutes."

"Alright.Goodnight Logan."She turned away, walked to the door.

"Goodnight Sis."He watched her leave, then turned back to the window.After another moment spent staring out into the darkness, thinking of the dark haired beauty that had stolen his heart five years ago and never returned it, he turned off his computer and went to bed.

*****

Finished.

Please, let me know what you think…reviews are always welcome.

   [1]: mailto:eyes_only1@yahoo.com



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